Nigeria’s fifty-second independence
anniversary should be an opportunity to thank
God, ordinarily. Our traditional
agenda for this programme usually includes prayer sessions at mosques all over
the country, attended by muslim faithful and leaders whose propensity for looting
bears a stark dissemblance to the ideals of Islam. The Christian churches also
witness joyful services, hosted in big churches where overfed priests thank the
Lord for giving us good Christian leaders who have nothing in common with
Christ.
This year has been different
however, mosques are no longer safe nor churches the peaceful sanctuaries that they used to
be. Churches especially, have been
hardly hit. Houses of God have been
transformed into military zones where people have to be screened thoroughly
before they come into his presence. I
cannot dwell on how this has affected tithe, offerings and the ministry in
particular. The most visible of this change has happened inside clergymen, they
have started criticising the president. One of them even went as far as to
construct and vocalise a prayer on
corruption which embarrassed the president.
One of them even dared to contest an election and continues to make
“inciting” statements about the leadership of our great country. Obviously, men
of God are no longer cosy with the establishment.
The focal point of my piece is not
to dwell on the fluidity of Nigeria’s theology and religion in these times. My goal
is to offer thanks on behalf of Nigeria to everyone whose action and inaction
has brought us thus far in our national sojourn. I am mindful of the fact that some of you
might wonder why this piece was not published on the first of October, let me
quickly explain the delay in simple terms.
I did not have electric power and there was fuel scarcity on
Independence Day. My generator was bad too. The generator repair man could not
get fuel to power his motorcycle so I spent the day in darkness except for the
intrusion of my Blackberry phone which kept broadcasting the rantings of some
endangered species of bloggers, activists and
concerned Noisegerians. For this lack of electric power, I would like to
thank Professor Nnaji for telling us there would be more megawatts of
power while arranging his cronies and companies to buy up all our power plants.
We owe him and his predecessors eternal gratitude for enabling generations of
Nigerian children shout “Up NEPA” anytime the light flickers, even when they
are outside the shores of Nigeria.
Let me quickly apologise for
breaking protocol by not addressing myself to the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and
Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces. I must thank His Excellency, first
for his decision to hold the Independence Day celebrations in Aso Rock Villa
rather than the stately and regal Eagle Square where the convention that
eventually produced his ticket to the presidency
was held. Your prudent (some say cowardly) capitulation has sent victory
signals to every member of Boko Haram group that our leadership is afraid and
cannot make adequate security
preparations to host a military parade. I am sure all your service chiefs and
military high brass all supported this directive, afterall, who would not
recollect how our police headquarters was bombed. I am sure that you have set
the right tone for negotiations with the dreaded group.
I would also like to like to thank
you Mr. President for the inspiring,
visionary and prayerful Independence Day
speech. Let me note that unlike 2010, it did not embarrass us with your inept use of teleprompters when
neither you nor your aides had tried it out to test its adaptability to our
dynamic environment. This year, your speech called for prayers and provided
budgetary allocation for calling the almighty to come and solve our problems.
Let me quickly remind you that Saudi Arabia, Isreal and Italy all lay more
direct claims to our God yet they invest in people and put institutions in
place to achieve societal change. They hardly budget for prayers. Your speech
created a buzz for the “armchair critics and activists“in blogosphere for whom
Dr. Reuben Abati has so much angst. You quoted a phantom report from an
organisation that announces it reports globally. The authentic report was just
a few clicks on any decent browser. I want to thank you for confirming the
veracity of some claims (in blogosphere) that your Doctorate Degree in Zoology
must have been a gift from the University of Port Harcourt. If I were the Vice
Chancellor of that institution, I would refund your tuition and withdraw your doctorate
degree in order to protect the brand of that institution. I am sure the Vice
Chancellor will dare not! That is why I can never be a Vice Chancellor.
Your speech
also confirmed that you are not given to intellectual rigour or cerebral exertion.
I am thankful to you for encouraging the youth in Nigeria who would
rather skip school to become musicians. They
have a reason to believe that holding a doctorate degree makes no difference to
personal intelligence. My eternal thanks also go everyone who had a hand in the
speech. They confirmed our submission that you do not read whatever is given to
you. You just go ahead and blurt it out!
I want to thank the Vice President
for being a passenger in this democratic dispensation. I guess he realised that
adding his voice to this cacophony of ineptitude would overwhelm the average
Nigerian’s threshold for rubbish.
Without any clear constitutional schedule of duties, I appreciate his
ability to do nothing, say nothing and stand for nothing. He could have towed
the line of a certain Abubakar Atiku who attempted to invent a job description
for the position. We all know how that went down.
I would like to thank the Senate and
House of Representatives for deliberations that have led to no improvement in
the lives of Nigeria. Aside tossing out Sanusi Lamido Sanusi’s five thousand
naira note, the legislature has been more concerned with increasing an already
anomalous remuneration. They have proven that human greed overpowers reason. They
have also proven that amongst thieves, compassion is not a virtue. Unless he
wins his re-election bid, Barack Obama
would gladly consider their salaries if he could apply!
I must thank all the ministers in
Nigeria especially the Coordinating Minister of the economy. A brilliant woman,
her inability to explain anything in clear terms has helped me to understand
how smart people behave when they have incompetent bosses. Her inability to
explain the performance of the 2012 budget clearly indicates she is a good
manager of information. I also salute her courage in sitting with chronic
debtors as members of her national economic committee while she expects AMCON
to take objective decisions on their indebtedness. Special thanks must be
giving to the Minister of Labour for continually embarrassing this
administration in the media. His lack of processing abilities makes the
Minister for Water resources look extra-terrestial. Labaran Maku deserves our
thanks and pity for assailing our ears frequently with not-well-thought-out
representations of the government. I am sure David Mark conveyed our gratitude
more poignantly!
I would like to thank all governors
for the increase in the number of cars in their details while hunger pervades
the land. I will like to thank the
southern governors for asking for more money from the federation account even
when most states have not utilised their allocations for anything productive. I
must single out Uduaghan for attempting to retrieve his cousin’s fifteen
million dollars from the EFCC. Blood is indeed thicker than governance. I must
also thank Dickson for providing the first lady with a decent salary and
pension via her appointment as a permanent secretary. Who knows where such
gratitude could take him?
I would like to show appreciation to the northern
governors for laboriously connecting Boko Haram to monthly allocations from our
commonwealth. We now know we created Al Majiri to set the North back
economically and politically. We are the reasons why polio still ravages the
North.
The Eastern governors must be applauded for agreeing that Igbo
presidency is the only panacea to the litany of problems facing Nigeria. We are
yet to receive a blueprint for the eradication of commercial kidnapping and
other crimes which continue to fester in their states . I must thank Orji for
institutionalising non-performance. His billboards clearly advertise his
personal dereliction. I will like to thank the Western governors for the gift
of propaganda. They have taken the art form to a new level closer to mass
hypnosis.
I must thank Nigerians for putting
up with the current leadership, afterall we voted them in and collected their
money to mortgage our future. I must thank all the market women who
participated in all the rallies and all the people who sold their voter cards.
I am grateful to all the people who continue to keep quiet and hide their heads
in the daily humdrum of torture that our lives have become. They are the reason
why the evil darkness grows in temerity.
We do not have to thank God for the
turn of events we have brought on ourselves.
He has given us the will and mental fortitude, to seek out the truth and
set our minds free. We have a God-given gift to demand more and better from our
leaders. I thank the few Nigerians who exercise this right.
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